IELTS Essay: Water Distribution & Usage Analysis

How World Water is Distributed and Used in Egypt, Saudi Arabia, and Canada

Overview

The pie charts and bar graph detail global water distribution and water usage in Egypt, Saudi Arabia, and Canada. Saltwater constitutes the majority of the world's water. Egypt and Saudi Arabia primarily use water for agriculture, while Canada's water consumption is largely industrial.

Key Features

• Global Water Distribution: Saltwater makes up 97% of the world's water, while freshwater accounts for only 3%.
• Freshwater Sources: Of the freshwater, 79% is stored in ice and glaciers, 20% is groundwater, and 1% is surface water.
• Water Usage by Country:
  • Egypt and Saudi Arabia: Over 70% of water is used for agriculture.
  • Canada: Approximately 79% of water is used for industrial purposes.
  • Domestic Usage: Domestic water usage is relatively consistent across all three countries, ranging from 10% to 13%.

Our Review

This essay provides a decent overview of the data presented, highlighting the key differences in water distribution and usage. However, the analysis could be sharper with more precise vocabulary and a more structured approach. For example, breaking down the second paragraph would improve readability. While the essay correctly identifies the main trends, it could benefit from deeper insights into the implications of these trends. We believe that with some refinement, this essay could achieve a higher band score.

Original Topic

the distribution of world's water and the use of water in three countries

Student Submission

The provided pie charts and bar graph illustrate the proportions of the world’s water distribution and the comparison of water usage by each category in three countries. Overall, the majority of the global water allocation originates from salt water. It is also clear that Egypt and Saudi Arabia mainly use water in agriculture, in contrast, Canada utilizes almost four-fifths of its water for industry. Regarding the source, obviously salt water is the main source while the minority source is fresh water, accounting for 97% and 3%, respectively. Furthermore, fresh water has three origins, including 79% from ice & glaciers, 20% from ground water, and 1% from surface water. In terms of water utilization, more than 70% of water is consumed by agriculture in Egypt and Saudi Arabia, whereas it is merely 9% in Canada. The highest percentage of water consumption in Canada goes to the industrial sector, roughly 79%. By contrast, the industry in the other two countries equals less than 10%. However, the percentage of domestic usage in all countries are tied as the second highest, around 10 to 13%.

IELTS Essay Assessment

1. Topic Analysis:

• Topic Category: Charts (Pie chart and Bar chart)
• Key Requirements: Describe the distribution of the world's water (pie chart) and compare water usage across three countries (bar chart). The response needs to accurately reflect the data presented in both charts and provide an overview of the main trends.
• Coverage Assessment: The response addresses the main aspects of the topic, describing the water distribution and comparing water usage across the three countries. However, it lacks detail and precision in some areas.
• Time Period (if applicable): Not specified.
• Data Type: Percentage.

2. Structure Analysis:

• Introduction: The introduction adequately introduces the charts and provides a brief overview of the main trends. It's concise and to the point.
• Overview: The overview is present and correctly identifies the key differences: the dominance of saltwater in global water distribution and the contrasting water usage patterns between the three countries (Egypt/Saudi Arabia heavily reliant on agriculture, Canada on industry).
• Body Paragraphs: The body paragraphs present the data in a somewhat logical order, first discussing water sources and then comparing water usage across countries. However, the organization could be improved for clarity.
• Logical Flow: The flow of information is generally logical, although some transitions could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing water sources to water usage could be more explicitly signaled.
• Paragraph Division: Paragraphing is adequate, but the second paragraph could benefit from being divided to improve clarity and focus.

3. Language Usage:

• Vocabulary Range: The vocabulary is adequate but lacks precision in some areas. While words like "majority," "minority," and "roughly" are used, more specific vocabulary could enhance the response.
• • Technical Vocabulary: Limited use of specialized vocabulary related to water resources.
• • Comparison Language: Uses some comparison words ("whereas," "by contrast"), but could utilize a wider range for more sophisticated comparisons.
• • Trend Description: Simple trend descriptions are used ("main source," "highest percentage").
• • Quantity Description: Uses words like "majority," "minority," and percentages, but could be more precise.
• Grammar Control: Grammar is generally correct, but there are some minor errors and instances of repetitive sentence structures.
  • • Tense Usage: Mostly consistent present tense.
  • • Sentence Variety: Limited sentence variety; more complex sentence structures could improve the flow.
  • • Article Usage: Mostly correct.
  • • Subject-Verb Agreement: Correct.

4. Detailed Band Scores:

• Task Achievement: 6/9 The response addresses all parts of the task, but lacks detailed description and precision in some areas. The data is presented, but not always with sufficient analysis. For example, the statement "the percentage of domestic usage in all countries are tied as the second highest" is vague and lacks specific numerical data.
• Coherence & Cohesion: 6/9 The response is generally coherent, but the flow could be improved with better transitions and paragraphing. The organization is somewhat disjointed.
• Lexical Resource: 6/9 Vocabulary is adequate but lacks precision and range. More specific and sophisticated vocabulary related to water resources and comparisons would improve the score.
• Grammar: 6/9 Grammar is mostly correct, but some minor errors and repetitive sentence structures are present.

Overall Band: 6/9

5. Task 1 Specific Feedback:

• Overview Quality: The overview is present and identifies the main trends, but could be more detailed and specific.
• Key Feature Coverage: Most key features are covered, but some lack precision. For example, the comparison of domestic water usage is too general.
• Data Accuracy: The data is mostly accurate, but the interpretations could be more precise.
• Compare/Contrast: Some comparison language is used, but a wider range and more detailed comparisons are needed.

6. Improvement Suggestions:

• Task Achievement Improvements: Provide more detailed descriptions of the data, including specific numbers and more precise comparisons. Analyze the data more thoroughly, highlighting key differences and similarities.
• Coherence Improvements: Use clearer transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Improve paragraphing to enhance clarity and focus.
• Vocabulary Improvements: Use more precise and sophisticated vocabulary related to water resources, comparisons, and quantities. Examples include "substantial," "negligible," "marked contrast," "pronounced difference."
• Grammar Improvements: Vary sentence structures to improve flow and readability. Proofread carefully to eliminate minor grammatical errors.

7. Model Essay:

(Corrected version and higher band score version would require rewriting the entire essay with improved vocabulary, more detailed analysis, and better organization. This is beyond the scope of a single response. However, here are some examples of improvements that could be incorporated):

Example of improved sentence:

• Original: "Regarding the source, obviously salt water is the main source while the minority source is fresh water, accounting for 97% and 3%, respectively."
• Improved: "The overwhelming majority (97%) of the world's water is saltwater, with freshwater comprising a mere 3%."

Example of improved comparison:

• Original: "The highest percentage of water consumption in Canada goes to the industrial sector, roughly 79%."
• Improved: "In stark contrast to Egypt and Saudi Arabia, Canada's industrial sector accounts for a significantly higher proportion of water consumption, approximately 79%."

By incorporating these types of improvements throughout the essay, a higher band score could be achieved. The improved essay would demonstrate a more detailed analysis of the data, a wider range of vocabulary, and improved grammatical accuracy and sentence structure. The improved version would also feature a more clearly defined and detailed overview paragraph.