Why Internal Transfers Benefit Both Employee and Company: An IELTS Essay Sample
Overview
This is a semi-formal letter written to a manager requesting a transfer from the supply chain department to quality control. The writer, Ankit, outlines the skills acquired in their current role, including conflict resolution and inventory management, and mentions completing a quality technician course. The letter expresses a desire for career advancement within the company and highlights the company's positive work environment as a reason for wanting to stay. The letter needs to strengthen the arguments for how the company would benefit from the transfer and adopt a more assertive tone.
Key Features
- Skills Highlighted: Mentions specific skills gained (conflict resolution, relationship management, inventory stock verification).
- Career Aspiration: States a desire to advance in quality control after completing a relevant course.
- Company Loyalty: Expresses appreciation for the company's supportive environment and remuneration.
- Identified Opportunity: Acknowledges awareness of a job opening in the desired department.
- Areas for Improvement: Lacks a detailed explanation of how the company would benefit from the transfer and uses somewhat passive language.
Our Review
We feel this letter demonstrates a basic understanding of the task but requires significant improvement to achieve a higher band score. The letter adequately addresses the prompt but lacks depth and persuasive argumentation. The writer needs to explicitly connect their skills and training to the specific needs of the quality control department, demonstrating a clear understanding of how their transfer would directly benefit the company's goals. A more confident and proactive tone, along with specific examples of past achievements, would strengthen the overall impact of the letter. We recommend focusing on providing concrete benefits to persuade the manager.
Original Topic
You started in your present job two years ago. You now feel it is important for your career development to move to a different department in the same company. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter • say what you have learned in your present job • suggest how the company would benefit from moving you to a different department • explain why you do not wish to leave the company
Student Submission
Dear Miss Kaur, I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing this letter to express my intent to shift from supply chain department to quality control. Over the last two years. I have been consistent while delivering the projects and I have learnt various skills like, conflict resolution, relationships management and inventory stock verification. I have been awarded employee of the month several times. I have completed a certified quality technician course recently and i wish to excel my career in same. I have noticed that there is a job opening for the same post. Given a chance, i will definitely try to contribute my best to the company. The company has always been cooperative with me whenever needed. It not only offers a handsome remuneration but also a helping working environment which motivates me to stay connected with this organization in future as well. I will be waiting for you reply positively. Yours faithfully Ankit
IELTS Essay Assessment
1. Letter Task Analysis:
- Letter Type: Semi-formal
- Purpose: Internal job application/department transfer request
- Target Reader: Manager (Miss Kaur)
- Key Requirements:
- State what has been learned in the present job.
- Suggest how the company would benefit from the move.
- Explain why the writer does not wish to leave the company.
2. Content Coverage:
- Opening: The opening is polite but slightly indirect. It states the intent to transfer but doesn't immediately and clearly state the purpose.
- Main Points: The letter mentions skills learned (conflict resolution, relationship management, inventory stock verification), the completion of a relevant course, and a desire for career advancement. However, it lacks a clear explanation of how the company would benefit from the transfer. The reasons for wanting to stay with the company are mentioned, but could be strengthened.
- Closing: The closing is polite but somewhat passive ("I will be waiting for your reply positively"). A more proactive closing would be stronger.
- Tone: The tone is generally polite and respectful, appropriate for a semi-formal letter to a manager. However, it could be more assertive and confident.
3. Letter Organization:
- Format: The letter format is generally correct, using appropriate salutations and closings.
- Paragraphing: Paragraphing is adequate but could be improved for clarity. More detail and justification within each paragraph would strengthen the argument.
- Flow: The flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed. The connection between the skills learned and the benefits to the company needs more explicit explanation.
- Length: The letter is too short; it needs more detail to fully address the task requirements.
4. Language Usage:
- Style Appropriacy: The style is generally appropriate for a semi-formal letter, although some phrasing could be more professional.
- Vocabulary Range: The vocabulary is basic and lacks sophistication. More precise language would improve the impact.
- Grammar Control: There are some grammatical errors (e.g., "Over the last two years. I have been consistent..." – needs a comma after "years"). Sentence structure is simple and repetitive.
- Expression Clarity: The message is understandable but could be much clearer and more persuasive.
5. Detailed Band Scores:
- Task Achievement: 5/9 The letter addresses the main points but lacks detail and persuasive justification. The benefits to the company are not clearly articulated.
- Coherence & Cohesion: 5/9 The letter is understandable but lacks a strong logical flow and cohesive devices to link ideas effectively.
- Lexical Resource: 5/9 The vocabulary is adequate but limited and lacks precision. More sophisticated language is needed.
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Grammar: 5/9 There are grammatical errors and the sentence structures are simple and repetitive.
Overall Band: 5/9
6. Specific Letter Features:
For Semi-formal Letters:
- Tone Balance: The tone is polite but lacks assertiveness.
- Style Mix: The style is a mix of formal and informal, but the informal elements could be toned down for a more professional impression.
- Reader Awareness: The letter shows some awareness of the reader, but could be more tailored to the manager's perspective.
7. Improvement Suggestions:
- Format Improvements: None significant.
- Content Improvements: Expand on how the skills and training benefit the quality control department. Quantify achievements (e.g., "reduced inventory discrepancies by X%"). Clearly articulate the benefits to the company from the transfer. Strengthen the closing with a call to action.
- Language Improvements: Use more precise and sophisticated vocabulary. Improve sentence structure for better flow and impact. Correct grammatical errors.
- Style Improvements: Adopt a more confident and assertive tone while maintaining politeness.
8. Model Essay:
Dear Miss Kaur,
I am writing to formally request a transfer from the Supply Chain department to the Quality Control department. I have thoroughly enjoyed my two years in Supply Chain and gained valuable experience in conflict resolution, relationship management, and inventory stock verification. For example, I successfully implemented a new inventory management system that reduced discrepancies by 15%, resulting in significant cost savings. I was also recognised as Employee of the Month three times during this period.
Recently, I completed a Certified Quality Technician course, significantly enhancing my skills and knowledge in quality assurance methodologies. I believe this expertise, combined with my existing experience, makes me an ideal candidate for the Quality Control opening. My skills in inventory management and problem-solving would be directly applicable, allowing me to contribute immediately to the department's efficiency and effectiveness. Furthermore, my understanding of the company's supply chain processes would provide valuable insights into potential quality control issues.
I am committed to my career development within [Company Name] and believe this transfer represents a significant step forward. The company's supportive environment and commitment to employee growth have been instrumental in my professional development, and I am eager to continue contributing to the company's success in this new role.
Thank you for considering my request. I am available to discuss this further at your convenience.
Yours sincerely, Ankit
