Why Economic Success Isn't the Only Path to Happiness: An IELTS Essay
Overview
This essay discusses the debate on whether happiness is directly related to economic success. It explores the arguments for and against this view, considering the benefits of financial stability and the importance of non-material aspects like relationships and mental health. The essay concludes that while economic success contributes to happiness, it is not the sole determinant, and genuine happiness stems from a balance of financial stability and emotional well-being.
Key Features
- Addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument.
- Provides examples to support the idea that economic success can bring happiness.
- Highlights the importance of relationships and mental health as alternative sources of happiness.
- Concludes with a balanced perspective, suggesting that both financial stability and non-material aspects are essential for genuine happiness.
- Demonstrates an understanding of the topic and presents a clear viewpoint.
Our Review
This essay presents a decent attempt at addressing the prompt, but it needs refinement in several areas. The arguments are somewhat simplistic and lack depth. For example, while the essay mentions relationships and mental health, it doesn't delve into how these factors specifically contribute to happiness beyond a superficial level. The language, while understandable, could be more precise and varied. We recommend focusing on developing more nuanced arguments and using stronger vocabulary to elevate the essay to a higher band score. Improving grammatical accuracy is also crucial for enhancing clarity and impact.
Student Submission
In today's fast-paced world , many individuals express opinions on that happiness is directly related to economic success , could lead to significant benefits , while others believe this depends on other factors . In this essay I will discuss both views before presenting my perspective .
One of the main reasons people support that happiness is related to economic success is its powerful impact on their life , so being economically successful often means having multiple resources to enjoy life pleasure , for instance , travelling , leisure , also safe and comfort home . This view point suggests that money not the main factor , in other word you could get happiness through reduce stress related to financial struggles.
However , those who believe that happiness is influenced by factors other than money , they argue that relationships , mental health , in addition good work are more necessary to make happiness even whether buying something new , for instance clothes , car or doing good thing for someone , all these factors affecting and essential to make person feel happy .
Finally , while economic success can provide our life by stability and opportunities, thus not can mean the sole factor to be happy . True happiness often comes from non - material aspects of life like honest relationships , personal achievement , and emotional well being , at the end valuing both financial stability and non-material aspects is likely the key to genuine happiness
IELTS Essay Assessment
1. IELTS Writing Score: 6/9 ■■■■■□□□□
2. Score Breakdown:
- Task Achievement: 6/9 - The essay addresses the task, but the response could be more developed with clearer examples and a more balanced exploration of both views.
- Coherence and Cohesion: 6/9 - The essay has a logical structure, but transitions between ideas could be smoother, and some ideas are not fully linked or developed.
- Lexical Resource: 6/9 - Vocabulary is adequate, but there are instances of word choice errors and repetition. More varied and precise vocabulary would enhance the essay.
- Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6/9 - There several grammatical mistakes, particularly with sentence structure and verb forms, which affect clarity.
3. Error Analysis:
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Vocabulary Errors:
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opinions on that] -> [ opinions that ] : 'On' is unnecessary here. - [
life pleasure] -> [ life's pleasures ] : Plural form and possessive are needed for accuracy. - [
view point] -> [ viewpoint ] : Should be written as one word.
- [
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Grammar Errors:
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could lead to significant benefits , while others believe this depends on other factors .] -> [ could lead to significant benefits, while others believe it depends on other factors. ] : Remove comma before 'while' and correct 'this' to 'it'. - [
being economically successful often means having multiple resources to enjoy life pleasure] -> [ being economically successful often means having the resources to enjoy life's pleasures ] : Correct pluralization and possessive form. - [
in other word you could get happiness through reduce stress related to financial struggles.] -> [ in other words, you could achieve happiness by reducing stress related to financial struggles. ] : Correct the phrase structure and verb form.
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4. English Model Essay:
In today's fast-paced world, many individuals argue that happiness is directly linked to economic success, which could lead to significant benefits, while others believe happiness depends on other factors. In this essay, I will discuss both views before presenting my perspective.
One of the primary reasons people equate happiness with economic success is the profound impact it has on their lives. Economic success often translates into having the resources to enjoy life's pleasures, such as travel, leisure, and a safe, comfortable home. This viewpoint suggests that while money isn't the sole factor, it can significantly reduce stress related to financial struggles, thereby contributing to happiness.
However, those who believe that happiness is influenced by factors other than money argue that relationships, mental health, and meaningful work are more crucial for happiness. For instance, buying new clothes or a car might bring temporary joy, but lasting happiness often stems from deeper sources like personal relationships, doing good deeds, or achieving personal goals. These elements are essential in making a person feel truly happy.
In conclusion, while economic success can provide stability and opportunities, it is not the sole determinant of happiness. True happiness often arises from non-material aspects of life like genuine relationships, personal achievements, and emotional well-being. Ultimately, valuing both financial stability and non-material aspects is likely the key to genuine happiness.
