How UK Graduate Destinations Varied in 2008: An IELTS Essay Sample
Overview
This essay analyzes bar charts presenting the post-graduation activities of UK graduate and postgraduate students in 2008. The data highlights their choices, including further study, part-time work, unemployment, and voluntary work. The overview notes that further study was the most popular choice for both groups, while voluntary work attracted the fewest participants. The analysis provides specific figures for each category and compares the trends between graduate and postgraduate students.
Key Features
- Focuses on the activities of UK graduates and postgraduates after college in 2008.
- Highlights further study as the most common choice for both groups.
- Identifies voluntary work as the least common activity.
- Provides specific numbers for each activity category (further study, part-time work, unemployment, voluntary work).
- Compares the choices of graduates and postgraduates.
Our Review
This essay provides a basic description of the data presented in the bar charts, but it falls short of a comprehensive analysis. The writing lacks sophistication, and the structure is weak, making it difficult to follow the argument. The vocabulary is limited and repetitive, and grammatical errors are frequent. To improve, the essay needs a clearer structure, a wider range of vocabulary, and more accurate grammar. A stronger focus on comparing and contrasting the data between graduate and postgraduate students would also enhance the analysis. Overall, the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the task but requires significant improvements to achieve a higher IELTS band score.
Student Submission
The bar charts provide information about in UK various destinations of graduate and postgraduate students who did not enter the full-time job after leaving college in 2008. Overall it can be seen that, in uk graduates and postgraduate students after there college they do the further study , its highest account of students joined. Whereas graduates and postgraduate students enter voluntary work was the least proportion.
Indetail, in UK graduates students after there study they join further study it's 29665 students. Whereas part time work and unemployment were similar percentage it was 17735 and 16235 .However voluntary work was only 3500 graduates students enter.
Moving on to, postgraduate students after leaving college they do the further study and part time job it's almost same amount it was 2725 and 2535 . While post graduates pupils after the study unemployment was 1625 proportion. However voluntary work least amount it's only 345 number of students.
IELTS Essay Assessment
1. IELTS Writing Score: 5/9 ■■■■■□□□□
2. Score Breakdown:
- Task Achievement: 5/9 - The essay addresses the task by describing the data in the bar charts. However, the description lacks detail and analysis. The overview is weak and doesn't summarise the key trends effectively. There is a significant lack of comparison between graduate and postgraduate students.
- Coherence and Cohesion: 4/9 - The essay is somewhat difficult to follow. The paragraphing is poor, and the transitions between paragraphs and ideas are abrupt and unclear. Phrases like "Moving on to" are simplistic and not sophisticated enough for IELTS. The overall structure needs significant improvement.
- Lexical Resource: 5/9 - The vocabulary is quite basic and repetitive. There is a limited range of vocabulary used to describe the data. The essay uses informal language ("pupils" instead of "students"). More precise vocabulary is needed to accurately represent the data.
- Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 4/9 - The grammar contains several errors, including subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and article usage. Sentence structures are often simple and lack complexity. There are numerous instances of incorrect word order and preposition use.
3. Error Analysis:
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Vocabulary Errors:
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in UK various destinations of graduate and postgraduate students] -> [ the destinations of UK graduate and postgraduate students ] : More concise and grammatically correct. - [
after there college] -> [ after graduating from college/university ] : More formal and accurate phrasing. - [
its highest account of students joined] -> [ the highest proportion of students chose further study ] : More precise and natural phrasing. - [
pupils] -> [ students ] : More appropriate term for university-level education. - [
proportion] -> [ number ] or [ percentage ] : More precise depending on the context.
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Grammar Errors:
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Overall it can be seen that, in uk graduates and postgraduate students after there college they do the further study , its highest account of students joined.] -> [ Overall, the data shows that the highest proportion of UK graduates and postgraduate students chose further study after leaving college.] : Improved sentence structure, grammar, and vocabulary. - [
Whereas graduates and postgraduate students enter voluntary work was the least proportion.] -> [ Voluntary work was the least popular option for both graduates and postgraduates.] : Corrected subject-verb agreement and improved phrasing. - [
it was 29665 students] -> [ it was 29,665 students ] : Correct number formatting. - [
it's almost same amount] -> [ it was almost the same amount ] : Corrected tense and added article. - Numerous errors in article usage (a, an, the) throughout the essay.
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4. English Model Essay:
The bar charts illustrate the post-graduation choices of UK graduates and postgraduates in 2008, specifically those who did not immediately enter full-time employment. Overall, further study was the most popular option for both groups, while voluntary work was the least common.
A significantly larger number of graduates (29,665) pursued further study compared to other options. Part-time work (17,735) and unemployment (16,235) were relatively similar, while only 3,500 graduates chose voluntary work.
In contrast, postgraduate choices were more evenly distributed between further study (2,725) and part-time work (2,535). Unemployment stood at 1,625, with only 345 postgraduates opting for voluntary work. This indicates that postgraduates were slightly less likely to pursue further study than graduates, but more likely to choose part-time employment. The disparity between the numbers of graduates and postgraduates reflects the overall smaller cohort of postgraduate students.
