Why Rehabilitation is Better Than the Death Penalty: An IELTS Essay Sample
Overview
This IELTS essay sample discusses the controversial issue of crime reduction, specifically comparing the effectiveness of the death penalty versus alternative methods like rehabilitation. The essay argues against the death penalty, suggesting it is not suitable for all criminals, especially those driven by poverty or unemployment. It advocates for rehabilitation and other corrective measures, such as imprisonment, as more effective solutions. The conclusion reinforces the idea that rehabilitation is a better approach to reducing crime rates.
Key Features
- Presents two sides of the argument: death penalty vs. alternative solutions.
- Argues that poverty and unemployment drive some crime.
- Suggests rehabilitation and imprisonment as alternatives.
- Lacks strong, well-developed arguments and clear examples.
- Contains grammatical and vocabulary errors that affect clarity.
Our Review
This essay struggles with clarity and coherence. The arguments are underdeveloped, and the language is often imprecise. We found the reasoning behind choosing rehabilitation over the death penalty to be somewhat superficial, lacking the depth and nuanced understanding expected in a high-scoring IELTS essay. The numerous grammatical errors also significantly detract from the essay's overall impact. To improve, the writer should focus on strengthening their arguments with specific examples and working on grammatical accuracy.
Student Submission
5196625854-
2
Sheet
Writing Task 2 Writing Task 2 Writing Task 2 Writing Task 2
Certainly, in the globe the issue of Crime Teate is increased day by day. This motten is genercating a lot of controversy Lately while some people speak strongly fon, reducing The amount of enime by giving death penalty, the opponents aree also firem theire opinion that, introduce of anothere ways of stoping crime In this eassay, views I will examine both and my inclination is evavorzoting in increasing pateagrcaphs and Teelevant examples.
The forcemost arguments to justify my stand is ensuring economicalgrowth of a country. If we look for on example it is cleanly seen that, some criminal are not directly involved with the crime, they done this just because of money. Most of the cases the individuals who is directly on inditeectly participate with the crime. aree living in a poverty line. furthermorel another aregument is. Unemployment. Less job vacancy and unemployment is the biggest problem for a developing country. Educated and illitercate both People are not able to get job, as a result it's bringing a state of depression among the mosses. So, if we go for the first opinion, it will not Suitable for all people. Because massive of the People are not directly adjust with the crime Government should punish them by variousto way such as: Rehabitation, Put them prision fon 2-3 years respectively.
On the contrary, Some people are directly counter with the given explanation, their foremost arguments that if Goverement make Laws for the criminal is to give death penalty. At that particular time the rate of crime will decrease so preedominatly. And the criminal will be aware of theite chime, think two times. to make any sorts of worst decision.
To conclude, it is not an easy task to solve this Problem. People should come forward to mitigate this problem. From my point of views, like everything in this world has pros and cons. However I admire that to go to the alternative way of reducing crime rate. The best option is to go for rehabitation.
IELTS Essay Assessment
1. Academic Question Analysis:
- Question Type: Opinion
- Academic Requirements: Discuss both sides of the death penalty debate in relation to crime reduction and present a clear opinion. The question is missing, but based on the essay, this is a reasonable inference.
- Argument Position: The essay presents a position against the death penalty and in favor of rehabilitation, but the argumentation is weak and underdeveloped.
2. Academic Structure Evaluation:
- Introduction: The introduction is poorly written and lacks a clear thesis statement. It vaguely introduces the topic but fails to state the writer's position clearly.
- Body Paragraphs: The body paragraphs lack clear topic sentences and logical development. Arguments are presented in a disorganized and unconvincing manner. The essay jumps between points without smooth transitions.
- Conclusion: The conclusion is weak and merely restates the writer's preference without summarizing the main arguments effectively.
- Academic Cohesion: The essay lacks cohesion. Transitions are absent or poorly used, resulting in a disjointed flow of ideas.
3. Academic Language Analysis:
- Academic Vocabulary: The vocabulary is very limited and contains numerous errors. The language is informal and inappropriate for academic writing.
- Academic Grammar: The grammar is consistently inaccurate, with frequent errors in sentence structure, tense, articles, and prepositions.
- Academic Style: The style is highly informal, using colloquialisms and contractions. The tone is inconsistent.
- Academic Expression: Ideas are expressed unclearly and imprecisely.
4. IELTS Band Scores:
- Task Response: 4/9 The essay attempts to address the task but fails to develop a coherent or well-supported argument. The position is stated but not adequately defended. The arguments are simplistic and lack depth.
- Coherence & Cohesion: 3/9 The essay is poorly organized and lacks logical flow. Transitions are missing, and the ideas are presented in a haphazard manner.
- Lexical Resource: 3/9 The vocabulary is limited, inaccurate, and inappropriate for academic writing. There is a lack of range and precision.
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Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 3/9 The grammar is frequently inaccurate, hindering understanding. Sentence structures are simple and often incorrect.
Overall Band: 3.5/9
5. Academic Writing Features Analysis:
- Argument Quality: The arguments are weak, underdeveloped, and lack supporting evidence. The reasoning is flawed.
- Evidence Usage: The essay lacks substantial evidence to support its claims. The examples provided are vague and unconvincing.
- Critical Analysis: There is minimal critical analysis. The essay presents opinions without exploring different perspectives or engaging with counterarguments effectively.
- Academic Style: The style is consistently informal and inappropriate for academic writing.
6. Detailed Improvement Recommendations:
- Task Response Improvements: Develop a clear thesis statement. Structure the essay logically, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. Provide strong evidence and examples to support each claim. Address counterarguments more effectively.
- Coherence Improvements: Use appropriate transition words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly. Ensure a logical flow between paragraphs and sentences.
- Vocabulary Improvements: Expand vocabulary range. Use more precise and academic vocabulary. Eliminate colloquialisms and contractions.
- Grammar Improvements: Focus on grammatical accuracy. Pay close attention to sentence structure, tense, articles, and prepositions. Seek feedback and practice writing complex sentences correctly.
7. Model Essay:
(A model essay cannot be provided without the original essay question. The above feedback provides a framework for rewriting the essay once the question is known. The model essay would need to include a clear thesis statement, well-developed arguments supported by evidence, and address counterarguments effectively, all within a formal academic style.)
