How Employment Figures Changed in Australia Between 2001 and 2008
Overview
This bar chart details employment numbers across five job sectors in a region of Australia for 2001 and 2008. Overall, sales, computing, and nursing saw increased employment, while accounting and farming experienced slight declines. Sales remained the most popular job, and farming consistently had the fewest employees.
Key Features
- Sales: Highest employment in 2001 (approximately 150,000), increasing to around 160,000 in 2008.
- Computing: Started at about 55,000 in 2001, rising significantly to nearly 75,000 by 2008.
- Nursing: Began at roughly 55,000 in 2001, with gradual growth to approximately 60,000 by 2008.
- Accounting: Initially just over 60,000 employees in 2001, falling slightly by 2008.
- Farming: Least popular, starting just over 20,000 in 2001, declining to around 18,000 by 2008.
Our Review
This is a well-written response that effectively summarizes and compares the data presented in the bar chart. The overview provides a clear snapshot of the main trends, and the subsequent paragraphs offer specific details about each job type. The language used is precise and appropriate for an IELTS task, demonstrating a good command of vocabulary related to trends and comparisons. We appreciate the clear organization and logical flow, making the information easy to follow. The consistent comparison between 2001 and 2008 for each job type is also commendable.
Original Topic
The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Student Submission
The bar chart shows the number of people employed in five different types of jobs in 2001 and 2008.
Overall, the employment figures for sales, computing, and nursing increased over the period, while accounting and farming saw slight decreases. Sales consistently remained the most popular job, whereas farming had the fewest employees throughout the period.
In 2001, sales had the highest number of employees at approximately 150,000, followed by a slight increase to about 160,000 in 2008. Computing and nursing both started at a similar level, with around 55,000 employees each. However, computing experienced a significant rise to nearly 75,000 by 2008, while nursing showed gradual growth, reaching about 60,000 employees.
In contrast, accounting initially had the second highest number of employees at just over 60,000 in 2001 but fell slightly by 2008. Farming, the least popular job, began with just over 20,000 employees and saw a small decline to around 18,000 by 2008.
IELTS Essay Assessment
1. Topic Analysis:
- Topic Category: Bar chart
- Key Requirements: Describe the number of people employed in five job types (sales, computing, nursing, accounting, farming) in a specific Australian region in 2001 and 2008. Compare and contrast employment figures between the two years for each job type. Provide an overview of the main trends.
- Coverage Assessment: The response adequately addresses the topic, covering all five job types and comparing the employment figures for 2001 and 2008.
- Time Period: 2001 and 2008
- Data Type: Numerical
2. Structure Analysis:
- Introduction: The introduction is clear and concise, accurately reflecting the chart's content.
- Overview: The overview is present and effectively summarizes the main trends: increases in sales, computing, and nursing; decreases in accounting and farming; and the consistent popularity of sales and low numbers in farming.
- Body Paragraphs: The body paragraphs are logically organized, comparing and contrasting employment figures for each job type separately. The information is presented clearly and systematically.
- Logical Flow: The information flows logically, progressing from the overview to a detailed description of each job type. The comparison between 2001 and 2008 is consistent throughout.
- Paragraph Division: Paragraphing is appropriate, with clear separation of the overview and the detailed analysis of each job type.
3. Language Usage:
- Vocabulary Range:
- Technical Vocabulary: Uses appropriate vocabulary such as "employment figures," "increased," "decreased," "consistent," "popular."
- Comparison Language: Uses comparative language effectively ("higher," "lower," "similar," "significant rise," "gradual growth," "slight decrease").
- Trend Description: Accurately describes trends using words like "increased," "decreased," "rose," "fell."
- Quantity Description: Uses approximate figures effectively ("approximately," "just over," "nearly").
- Grammar Control:
- Tense Usage: Consistent use of past tense.
- Sentence Variety: Uses a good variety of sentence structures, avoiding monotony.
- Article Usage: Mostly accurate article usage.
- Subject-Verb Agreement: Subject-verb agreement is generally correct.
4. Detailed Band Scores:
-
Task Achievement: 7/9 The response fully addresses all parts of the task. The information is presented clearly and accurately. However, more precise numerical data could be included. For example, instead of "approximately 150,000", a range or a more precise estimate would be beneficial.
-
Coherence & Cohesion: 7/9 The response is well-organized and easy to follow. The overview provides a good summary, and the body paragraphs are logically structured. The use of cohesive devices is effective.
-
Lexical Resource: 7/9 The vocabulary is accurate and appropriate for the task. A wider range of vocabulary could be used to enhance the description of trends and comparisons.
-
Grammar: 7/9 The grammar is generally accurate, with few errors. Sentence structures are varied and mostly error-free.
Overall Band: 7/9
5. Task 1 Specific Feedback:
-
Overview Quality: The overview is good, summarizing the main trends effectively. It could be slightly more specific by mentioning the numerical ranges of the increases and decreases.
-
Key Feature Coverage: All key features are covered.
-
Data Accuracy: The data is presented accurately, although more precise figures would improve the response.
-
Compare/Contrast: The response effectively compares and contrasts the employment figures for each job type between 2001 and 2008 using appropriate comparative language.
6. Improvement Suggestions:
-
Task Achievement Improvements: Include more precise numerical data with ranges or estimates where appropriate. For example, instead of "approximately 150,000," use "between 145,000 and 155,000."
-
Coherence Improvements: Consider adding transition words or phrases to further enhance the flow between paragraphs and sentences (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "However," "Conversely").
-
Vocabulary Improvements: Incorporate more sophisticated vocabulary to describe trends and comparisons (e.g., "substantial increase," "marked decline," "a modest rise").
-
Grammar Improvements: While grammar is mostly accurate, proofreading for minor errors will further enhance the response.
7. Model Essay:
(Corrected Version - Minor edits for clarity and precision):
The bar chart illustrates the number of people employed in five different job sectors – sales, computing, nursing, accounting, and farming – within a specific Australian region during 2001 and 2008.
Overall, employment in sales, computing, and nursing increased over the seven-year period, while accounting and farming experienced slight declines. Sales consistently held the largest number of employees, whereas farming consistently had the fewest.
In 2001, sales employed the highest number of people, between 145,000 and 155,000, showing a modest increase to approximately 160,000 by 2008. Computing and nursing started at similar levels, around 55,000 each. However, computing experienced a significant rise to nearly 75,000 by 2008, while nursing showed more gradual growth, reaching about 60,000.
Conversely, accounting, initially employing just over 60,000 people in 2001, saw a slight decrease by 2008. Farming, the least popular sector, started with just over 20,000 employees and experienced a small decline to approximately 18,000 by 2008.
(Higher Band Score Version - Incorporating improvements):
The provided bar chart details employment figures across five occupational sectors—sales, computing, nursing, accounting, and farming—in a particular Australian region, comparing data from 2001 and 2008.
A clear overall trend emerges: while employment in sales, computing, and nursing experienced substantial growth, accounting and farming witnessed modest declines over the seven-year period. Sales consistently maintained its position as the dominant sector, while farming remained the least popular.
In 2001, the sales sector employed between 145,000 and 155,000 individuals, exhibiting a moderate increase to approximately 160,000 by 2008. Computing and nursing began with comparable employment levels, around 55,000 each. However, computing subsequently witnessed a marked surge to nearly 75,000 employees by 2008, whereas nursing demonstrated a more gradual upward trajectory, reaching approximately 60,000.
In contrast, the accounting sector, initially employing slightly more than 60,000 individuals in 2001, experienced a slight downturn by 2008. Similarly, the farming sector, consistently the smallest, saw a minor decrease from just over 20,000 employees in 2001 to approximately 18,000 in 2008.
(Highlights of Improvements): The higher band version uses more precise numerical data, incorporates a wider range of vocabulary (e.g., "substantial growth," "modest declines," "marked surge," "gradual upward trajectory"), and employs more sophisticated sentence structures and cohesive devices for improved flow and clarity.
(Key Features to Note): The higher band version demonstrates a more precise and nuanced understanding of the data, utilizes more advanced vocabulary, and exhibits superior grammatical control and cohesion. The overview is more concise and informative.