How Export Values Changed in One Country: An IELTS Essay Sample
Overview
This essay analyzes a chart depicting a country's export values across different categories. It highlights the overall trends, noting that most categories experienced growth except for gems and jewelry. The essay identifies textiles and engineered goods as having the most significant increases, while petroleum and agricultural products showed more moderate or stable performance.
Key Features
- Identifies general trends in export values.
- Highlights specific categories with notable increases (textiles, engineered goods).
- Mentions categories with moderate growth or stability (petroleum, agricultural products).
- Acknowledges the decline in gems and jewelry exports.
- Implies a timeframe of one year (2015-2016).
Our Review
We find that this essay provides a basic overview of the data but lacks depth and precision. The language is often imprecise and sometimes awkward ("conquered by upsurges"). A stronger essay would include more specific data points to support its claims and offer a clearer, more organized analysis of the trends. The absence of a strong overview paragraph significantly weakens the essay's coherence. The vocabulary needs refinement to better suit the academic tone required for IELTS writing.
Original Topic
the chart below shows the value of one country's exports in various categories
Student Submission
The presented charts provide the information on the value of one country’s exports in severe aspects. It’s readily apparent that except gems and jewelry, other categories were conquered by upsurges during a year. Textiles and engineered goods had the most spectacular upward trend respectively, among all the exports. In addition , petroleum products had a modest incline as an export category, as well as agricultural products approximately had prevail consistency in comparison to other aspects which gained in values . However conversely, the country had failed to uplift all the exporting goods and gams and jewelry had plummet from 2015 to 2016.
IELTS Essay Assessment
1. Topic Analysis:
- Topic Category: Chart
- Key Requirements: Describe the value of a country's exports in various categories over a period of time (presumably one year, though the text doesn't specify). This includes identifying the highest and lowest performing categories, and describing trends (increases, decreases, stability).
- Coverage Assessment: The response partially addresses the topic. It identifies some key categories and mentions trends, but lacks detail and precision. The overview of the data is weak. The time period is not explicitly stated.
- Time Period (if applicable): Implied as one year (2015-2016), but not explicitly stated.
- Data Type: Numerical (implied, not explicitly shown in the provided text).
2. Structure Analysis:
- Introduction: The introduction is weak. While it attempts to summarise the chart, it uses imprecise language ("severe aspects") and doesn't clearly state the main trends.
- Overview: There is no clear overview paragraph summarizing the main trends and comparisons. This is a significant weakness.
- Body Paragraphs: The body paragraphs present some information about different export categories, but lack organization and detail. The information is presented in a somewhat disjointed manner.
- Logical Flow: The logical flow is poor. The information jumps between categories without a clear structure.
- Paragraph Division: Paragraph division is inadequate. The information could be better organized into paragraphs focusing on specific trends or comparisons.
3. Language Usage:
- Vocabulary Range: The vocabulary is limited and contains inaccuracies. Words like "conquered by upsurges" and "plummet" are overly dramatic and not precise enough for academic writing. There's a lack of precise vocabulary to describe trends and quantities.
- Technical Vocabulary: Limited.
- Comparison Language: Weak, relying on imprecise terms like "most spectacular."
- Trend Description: Inaccurate and imprecise (e.g., "modest incline," "prevail consistency").
- Quantity Description: Absent.
- Grammar Control: The grammar contains several errors.
- Tense Usage: Inconsistent.
- Sentence Variety: Limited. Many simple sentences.
- Article Usage: Errors present.
- Subject-Verb Agreement: Potential errors (e.g., "gems and jewelry had plummet").
4. Detailed Band Scores:
- Task Achievement: 4/9: The response addresses the task partially, but lacks detail, precision, and an overview. Key features are mentioned but not fully described. The absence of specific numerical data is a major weakness.
- Coherence & Cohesion: 4/9: The information is poorly organized and lacks a clear logical flow. The absence of an overview significantly impacts coherence. Connectors are used inconsistently and sometimes inappropriately (e.g., "however conversely").
- Lexical Resource: 4/9: The vocabulary is limited and imprecise. The use of inaccurate and overly dramatic language negatively impacts the score. There's a lack of specific vocabulary for describing trends and quantities.
- Grammar: 4/9: The grammar contains several errors, affecting clarity and fluency. The inconsistent tense usage and lack of sentence variety further detract from the score.
Overall Band: 4/9
5. Task 1 Specific Feedback:
- Overview Quality: Absent. This is a major weakness.
- Key Feature Coverage: Some key features are mentioned (highest and lowest performing categories), but the descriptions are superficial and lack detail.
- Data Accuracy: Cannot be assessed due to the lack of specific numerical data in the response. The trends described are vague and not supported by evidence.
- Compare/Contrast: Attempts at comparison are made, but they are imprecise and lack numerical support.
6. Improvement Suggestions:
- Task Achievement Improvements: Include specific numerical data from the chart. Provide a clear overview summarizing the main trends and comparisons. Describe each category in detail, focusing on the magnitude of changes and comparisons between categories.
- Coherence Improvements: Organize the information logically, perhaps grouping categories by similar trends. Use a clear overview paragraph to guide the reader. Use cohesive devices effectively to link sentences and paragraphs.
- Vocabulary Improvements: Use precise vocabulary to describe trends (e.g., "increased significantly," "remained stable," "decreased sharply"). Avoid overly dramatic language. Use appropriate vocabulary for describing quantities.
- Grammar Improvements: Proofread carefully to correct grammatical errors. Vary sentence structures to improve fluency. Ensure consistent tense usage.
7. Model Essay:
(Note: A model essay cannot be provided without the actual chart data. The following is a framework for a higher-scoring response.)
Higher Band Score Version Framework:
"The chart illustrates the value of a country's exports across five categories – textiles, engineered goods, petroleum products, agricultural products, and gems and jewellery – between 2015 and 2016. Overall, while most export categories experienced growth, gems and jewellery showed a significant decline.
Textiles and engineered goods demonstrated the most substantial increases in value, with textiles rising from [Value in 2015] to [Value in 2016], representing a [Percentage]% increase, and engineered goods increasing from [Value in 2015] to [Value in 2016], a [Percentage]% rise. In contrast, the value of gems and jewellery fell dramatically from [Value in 2015] to [Value in 2016], a decrease of [Percentage]%. Petroleum products showed a modest increase, rising from [Value in 2015] to [Value in 2016], while agricultural product values remained relatively stable throughout the period.
In conclusion, the chart highlights the contrasting performance of different export sectors, with textiles and engineered goods leading the growth, while gems and jewellery experienced a significant downturn."
Highlights of Improvements:
- Clear overview paragraph summarizing main trends.
- Specific numerical data included.
- Precise vocabulary used to describe trends and quantities.
- Improved grammar and sentence structure.
- Logical organization of information.
Key Features to Note:
- The model uses precise language to describe the data.
- The model clearly compares and contrasts different categories.
- The model provides a clear and concise summary of the main trends.
- The model is well-structured and easy to read.
Remember that this is a framework. To create a complete model essay, you would need to replace the bracketed information with the actual data from the chart.
