What Are the Causes of Increasing Stress and How Can We Tackle It?
Overview
This essay addresses the growing problem of stress in many countries, exploring its causes and proposing solutions. It highlights that increased work and study demands, coupled with personal responsibilities, contribute significantly to stress. The essay suggests that individuals can manage stress through activities like sports, therapy, and spending quality time with loved ones.
Key Features
- Identifies Causes: Attributes rising stress to demanding jobs, academic pressures, and personal responsibilities.
- Proposes Solutions: Recommends engaging in sports, seeking professional therapy, and prioritizing leisure time with family and friends.
- Suggests Self-Management: Emphasizes the importance of individuals taking control of their stress levels.
- Provides Examples: Mentions yoga and running as stress-relieving activities.
Our Review
We've reviewed this essay on the causes and solutions for increasing stress. While the essay attempts to tackle the prompt, its execution falls short of academic standards. The language is often inaccurate, with numerous grammatical errors and vocabulary misuse, such as "researches" instead of "research" and "vanished easly" instead of "easily vanish." The structure is also problematic; ideas are presented disjointedly, and transitions between points are weak, making the overall argument difficult to follow. For instance, the connection between the causes and the proposed solutions isn't always clear. The conclusion, rather than summarizing effectively, merely reiterates the problem. To improve, the writer needs to focus on refining vocabulary, ensuring grammatical accuracy, and developing a more coherent and logical flow of ideas, using clear topic sentences and transitional phrases. The tone also needs to be more formal and academic.
Original Topic
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
In many countries, the number of people suffering from stress is increasing.
What do you think are the causes of this problem and what measures could be taken to tackle it?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
Student Submission
Several researches refer to the increasing number of stressed people due to many reaseons such as spend a lot of time working or studying without breaks; however, some of them can control stress by do some activities and do sportes.
A huge number of people are suffering from stress over the world. Nowadays, feeling stressed is increasing due to the jobs and responsabilites that people have to deal with them to live. Additionally, stress comes for young people because they may be responsable for study and assignemnts. As a concequence, stressed indiveduals may get serious illness and fell lonely and anixous which makes them have bad well-being. Stressed people should not let themselves be controlled by stress,so they should manage it.
On the other hand, tackling stress requires some time depending on the case, but in the end it can be vanished easly. Indiveduals who feel stressed should visit a therapist to be diagnosised to know the real cause of the stress and they will be better. Stress can be measured by sports, so they could do some exercise that lead to removing the stress and improving your health. For example, people can do yoga with people they love to feel comfortable, relax, and forget about the stress or run for half an hour in the day. One of the most effective ways to kill the stress is taking break and spending a good time with your family and friends.
In conclusion, despite the number of stressed people, it is increasing, they can measure it differently and kill it by some small tips such as sport or visiting therapist.
IELTS Essay Assessment
1. Academic Question Analysis:
- Question Type: Problem-Solution
- Academic Requirements: Identify causes of increasing stress levels and propose effective measures to address the problem. Requires supporting reasons and examples.
- Argument Position: The essay attempts to address both causes and solutions but lacks depth and clarity in its argumentation. The position is presented but not strongly developed.
2. Academic Structure Evaluation:
- Introduction: Weak. The introduction lacks a clear thesis statement outlining the essay's main argument. It starts with a vague reference to "researches" without specifying sources.
- Body Paragraphs: The essay has a rudimentary structure with two body paragraphs. However, the paragraphs lack focus and coherence. Ideas are presented in a disjointed manner, lacking logical progression and clear topic sentences.
- Conclusion: The conclusion is weak and simply restates the problem without summarizing the proposed solutions effectively. It lacks a strong concluding statement.
- Academic Cohesion: Poor. The essay lacks smooth transitions between ideas and paragraphs. The connection between causes and solutions is not clearly established.
3. Academic Language Analysis:
- Academic Vocabulary: Limited range and inaccurate use of vocabulary. Many words are misused (e.g., "researches," "reasoons," "do some activities and do sportes," "responsabilites," "assignemnts," "indiveduals," "anixous," "vanished easly," "diagnosised").
- Academic Grammar: Frequent grammatical errors throughout the essay, including subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, article usage, and preposition usage. Sentence structures are simple and lack complexity.
- Academic Style: Informal and lacks the precision and formality expected in academic writing. Phrases like "kill the stress" are inappropriate.
- Academic Expression: Ideas are expressed vaguely and imprecisely. The essay lacks clarity and conciseness.
4. IELTS Band Scores:
- Task Response (TR): 4/9 The essay addresses both parts of the question but lacks depth of analysis and supporting evidence. The arguments are underdeveloped and lack specific examples.
- Coherence & Cohesion (CC): 4/9 The essay is poorly organized. Paragraphs lack coherence, and transitions are absent or ineffective. The overall flow of ideas is disjointed.
- Lexical Resource (LR): 4/9 The range of vocabulary is limited, and many words are misused or inappropriately chosen. The essay demonstrates a lack of precision in word choice.
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Grammatical Range & Accuracy (GRA): 4/9 The essay contains numerous grammatical errors that significantly impair understanding. Sentence structures are simple and lack complexity.
Overall Band: 4/9
5. Academic Writing Features Analysis:
- Argument Quality: Weak. Arguments are poorly developed and lack supporting evidence.
- Evidence Usage: Absent. The essay lacks relevant examples or evidence to support its claims.
- Critical Analysis: Minimal. The essay does not critically analyze the causes or solutions to stress.
- Academic Style: Inappropriate. The essay uses informal language and lacks the precision and formality expected in academic writing.
6. Detailed Improvement Recommendations:
- Task Response Improvements: Develop a clear thesis statement. Provide specific examples and evidence to support claims about the causes and solutions to stress. Explore a wider range of causes and solutions.
- Coherence Improvements: Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph. Improve transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Organize the essay logically, ensuring a clear link between causes and solutions.
- Vocabulary Improvements: Use a wider range of academic vocabulary accurately. Consult a dictionary or thesaurus to improve word choice. Avoid informal language.
- Grammar Improvements: Proofread carefully to correct grammatical errors. Practice constructing more complex sentence structures. Focus on subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and article usage.
7. Model Essay:
(A model essay would be significantly longer than this response and would require a separate submission. It would address all the points mentioned above, including providing specific examples, using accurate and diverse vocabulary, and demonstrating a clear and logical structure with strong transitions and a compelling conclusion.) The model essay would aim for a band 5 or 6, improving upon the original's band 4 score.
