IELTS Essay Sample: Cloth Exporting Trends (1999-2003)

How Cloth Exporting Trends Varied Across Three Nations (1999-2003)

Overview

This line chart details the cloth exporting trends of Colombia, Myanmar, and Japan from 1999 to 2003. Overall, Myanmar started with the lowest exports, experienced a sharp increase, but ended the period as the lowest exporter. All three countries experienced fluctuations during this timeframe. Colombia ultimately overtook the others in exports by 2003.

Key Features

• Myanmar's exports began slightly above $0 million in 1999, rising to $800 million by 2000.
• It peaked at just over $900 million in 2001 before sharply declining to approximately $350 million in 2002, eventually settling at $450 million in 2003.
• Japan's exports started highest, nearly $600 million in 1999, oscillating between $600 and $500 million until dipping below $500 million in 2003.
• Colombia's exports started at $450 million in 1999, gradually increased to $700 million by 2002, and then decreased to $600 million in 2003.

Our Review

While the essay accurately describes the data points for each country, it lacks a strong overarching narrative. The overview doesn't effectively summarize the key trends and comparisons between the countries. The writing style is straightforward, but it could benefit from more sophisticated vocabulary and sentence structures. The essay could be improved by integrating more direct comparisons between the countries within each paragraph, rather than presenting each country's data in isolation. A clearer, more analytical approach would significantly enhance the essay's overall quality and impact.

Original Topic

The line chart illustrates the cloth exporting trends of three different countries- Colombia, Myanmar and Japan- over a 5-year period, from 1999 to 2003.

Student Submission

The line chart illustrates the cloth exporting trends of three different countries- Colombia, Myanmar and Japan- over a 5-year period, from 1999 to 2003. Overall, Myanmar initially had least cloth exporting and showed a sharp increase before became lowest exporting country in the end of the period. However, all thee countries showed a fluctuation in given timeframe. While, Colombia overtook the exporting by the end. In detail, Myanmar began with slightly above 0 million of dollars in 1999 and it saw steady increase to 800 million dollar by 2000. Then it gradually increased to peak point of slightly above 900 in 2001 and sharply dipped to approximately 350 in 2002 before settle at 450 in 2003. Conversely, cloth exports of Japan started at highest point of the year, nearly 600 million dollar in 1999 and it oscillated between 600 and 500 million dollar from 1999 to 2003; After that it dipped to below 500 in 2003. Meanwhile, Columbia exported 450 million dollar cloths in 1999, rose gradually to 700 million dollar in 2002 and fell to 600 in 2003.

IELTS Essay Assessment

1. Topic Analysis:

• Topic Category: Line Chart
• Key Requirements: Describe the overall trend and key features of cloth exports from Colombia, Myanmar, and Japan between 1999 and 2003. This includes identifying the starting points, highest and lowest points, and significant changes in export values for each country. Comparison between the three countries is also crucial.
• Coverage Assessment: The essay attempts to address the topic but lacks a clear and concise overview. While it mentions the individual trends of each country, the comparison and overall trend are not clearly articulated.
• Time Period: 1999-2003
• Data Type: Numerical (millions of dollars)

2. Structure Analysis:

• Introduction: The introduction adequately paraphrases the chart's title and sets the context.
• Overview: The overview is weak. It mentions the initial and final positions of Myanmar and a general fluctuation, but it fails to provide a comprehensive summary of the main trends across all three countries. A stronger overview would clearly state the highest and lowest exporting country throughout the period and mention the general direction of the trends for each.
• Body Paragraphs: The body paragraphs describe the data for each country individually. However, the comparison between countries is not consistently integrated within the paragraphs. The information is presented chronologically for each country.
• Logical Flow: The logical flow is acceptable in that it follows a chronological order for each country. However, a more effective structure would group similar trends or comparisons together rather than presenting each country's data in isolation.
• Paragraph Division: Paragraph division is somewhat arbitrary. The information could be better organized to improve clarity and flow.

3. Language Usage:

• Vocabulary Range: The vocabulary is adequate but lacks precision and variety. The essay relies on simple words like "increase," "decrease," "rose," and "fell." More sophisticated vocabulary (e.g., "surged," "plummeted," "fluctuated significantly," "experienced a modest increase") would improve the score.
  • Technical Vocabulary: Limited use of specific economic terms.
  • Comparison Language: Basic comparative language ("higher than," "lower than") is used, but more sophisticated comparative structures are needed.
  • Trend Description: Basic trend descriptors are used, but more precise language is required.
  • Quantity Description: Appropriate use of numerical data, but lacks precise phrasing (e.g., "slightly above," "approximately").
• Grammar Control: Grammar is generally correct, but there are some errors.
  • Tense Usage: Mostly consistent past tense, but some inconsistencies exist.
  • Sentence Variety: Sentence structure is relatively simple and repetitive. More complex sentence structures would enhance the writing.
  • Article Usage: Some minor errors in article usage.
  • Subject-Verb Agreement: Mostly accurate.

4. Detailed Band Scores:

• Task Achievement: 5/9 The essay addresses the task but lacks a clear overview and detailed comparison between countries. The description of individual country trends is adequate but not comprehensive. Key features are mentioned but not always highlighted effectively.
• Coherence & Cohesion: 5/9 The essay is generally coherent, but the lack of a strong overview and the disjointed comparison between countries negatively impact the coherence. The logical flow is acceptable but could be improved.
• Lexical Resource: 5/9 Vocabulary is adequate but lacks range and precision. More sophisticated vocabulary and more precise language are needed to describe the trends and comparisons.
• Grammar: 6/9 Grammar is generally accurate, but there are some minor errors and a lack of sentence variety.

Overall Band: 5.5/9

5. Task 1 Specific Feedback:

• Overview Quality: Weak. The overview is too brief and does not summarise the main trends effectively.
• Key Feature Coverage: Most key features are covered, but the presentation lacks clarity and precision.
• Data Accuracy: Data is mostly accurately reported, but the language used to describe the data lacks precision.
• Compare/Contrast: Comparison is attempted but is not well integrated into the writing. The comparison is disjointed and lacks sophisticated comparative language.

6. Improvement Suggestions:

• Task Achievement Improvements: Write a clear and concise overview summarizing the main trends. Focus on comparing and contrasting the trends across the three countries. Highlight the most significant changes and patterns.
• Coherence Improvements: Improve the logical flow by grouping similar trends together. Use cohesive devices (e.g., however, conversely, similarly) to link ideas and paragraphs more effectively.
• Vocabulary Improvements: Use more sophisticated vocabulary to describe trends and comparisons (e.g., "substantial increase," "marked decline," "outperformed," "remained relatively stable").
• Grammar Improvements: Proofread carefully to correct minor grammatical errors. Use a wider range of sentence structures to improve the flow and style of the writing.

7. Model Essay:

(Corrected Version - Illustrative, not a full rewrite due to length constraints)

The line chart illustrates the cloth export trends of Colombia, Myanmar, and Japan from 1999 to 2003. Overall, while all three nations experienced fluctuations, Japan consistently maintained the highest export values, while Myanmar showed a dramatic initial increase followed by a significant decline. Colombia experienced a gradual increase before a slight dip at the end of the period.

In detail, Myanmar's exports started at just over $0 million in 1999, surging to approximately $800 million by 2000. A further gradual increase peaked at over $900 million in 2001, before plummeting to around $350 million in 2002 and recovering slightly to $450 million in 2003. In contrast, Japan began with the highest export value, nearly $600 million, and fluctuated between $500 and $600 million throughout the period, ending slightly below $500 million in 2003. Colombia's exports started at $450 million, gradually increasing to $700 million by 2002 before falling to $600 million in 2003. Despite the fluctuations, Colombia consistently outperformed Myanmar in terms of export value.

(Higher Band Score Version - Key improvements highlighted)

The provided line graph details the fluctuations in cloth exports (in millions of US dollars) from Colombia, Myanmar, and Japan between 1999 and 2003. [Improved Overview] While all three countries experienced fluctuating export levels, Japan consistently held the leading position, while Myanmar’s exports initially surged but ultimately ended the period with the lowest value. Colombia demonstrated a steady rise in exports, culminating in a slight decrease in the final year.

Myanmar’s export journey commenced at a negligible level in 1999, experiencing a remarkable surge to approximately $800 million in 2000. This upward trend continued, reaching a peak of just over $900 million in 2001, before a dramatic decline to around $350 million in 2002. A modest recovery followed, bringing the figure to roughly $450 million by 2003. [More precise language] In stark contrast, Japan started with the highest export value at nearly $600 million, maintaining a relatively stable position between $500 and $600 million throughout the period, before concluding slightly below $500 million in 2003. [Improved comparison] Meanwhile, Colombia’s exports showed a gradual upward trajectory, starting at $450 million and steadily increasing to $700 million by 2002. A slight downturn followed, resulting in a final export value of $600 million in 2003. [Clearer structure and more sophisticated vocabulary] Throughout the period, Colombia consistently outperformed Myanmar.

(Highlights of Improvements): The higher-band version includes a stronger overview, more precise language for describing trends and quantities, improved comparisons between countries, and a more sophisticated vocabulary. The structure is also more logical and coherent.

(Key Features to Note): The improved version uses a wider range of vocabulary, more precise numerical descriptions, and stronger comparative language to effectively convey the information in the chart. The structure is more logical and the overview is significantly improved. The language is more formal and academic.