IELTS ESSAY SAMPLE: Saving Money for Young People

Why Saving Money is Crucial for Young People

Overview

The essay argues that saving money is essential for young people, providing financial security, helping achieve goals, and promoting independence. The writer presents several points to support this argument, including the importance of savings during financial hardships and for future opportunities.

Key Features

• The essay addresses the importance of saving money young people.
• It highlights financial security, achieving goals, and independence as key benefits.
• The writer uses personal opinions and some examples to support their arguments.
• The structure includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Our Review

We found that the essay effectively conveys the significance of saving money for young people, but it lacks depth and clarity in its arguments. The writer attempts to cover multiple aspects, such as financial security and independence, but the explanations are often simplistic and repetitive. To improve, the writer could provide more detailed examples and refine their arguments with more precise vocabulary and better grammatical accuracy. Overall, the essay demonstrates a good intention but requires further development to achieve a higher score.

Student Submission

Saving money is crucial for every ages people, including young people. I am strongly agree with this. Young people should save money for their future.

Firstly, Saving money gives everyone financial security. Young people are not exception in this If they want to buy extra food, studying equipment, they need to extra money. Every family don't give additional money for fullfill theses matter. For example, Covid-19 pendanaic time gardian income was limited. Then they had used to deposited savings money. It had given their study seawrity. For this time, those young people saved thein money, they used money proparly. They could lead a financial secure life. Thus saving money gives young people security.

Secondly, saving money helps young people to achieve his goal. For higher education, when family failed to support, then saving money can be used for this.

Young student can earn money by extra working. Such as tution, part time job etc. Theses saved money gives him financial freedom. They can go for travel to using this money. If they saved money, they could go for higher study in abroad. They can achieve their goal by using this savings money.

Lastly, to lead a independence life, young people need to saving money. It can gives him to care himself on his family. If suddenly need to medical check up, he could use this money freely. Jobless time he can spend this money for stand or established a business.

In sum up, young people should to grow practice save money for financial future. Saving money gives him security, independence and achievement his goal.

How much band score?

IELTS Essay Assessment

1. IELTS Writing Score: 5/9 ■■■■■□□□□

2. Score Breakdown:

• Task Achievement: 5/9 - The essay addresses the task, but the arguments are underdeveloped and lack specific examples. The conclusion is repetitive. The structure is present but could be improved with stronger topic sentences and more detailed supporting evidence.

• Coherence and Cohesion: 5/9 - The essay uses some cohesive devices (e.g., firstly, secondly, lastly), but the overall flow is somewhat disjointed. Paragraphs lack clear topic sentences and transitions between ideas could be smoother. The use of "this" and "it" is sometimes unclear.

• Lexical Resource: 5/9 - The vocabulary is adequate but limited. There is some repetition of vocabulary (e.g., saving money). The range of vocabulary is not wide, and there are some inaccuracies (e.g., "pendanaic"). More precise and sophisticated vocabulary would improve the score.

• Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5/9 - Grammatical errors are frequent, impacting the clarity and fluency of the writing. There are problems with subject-verb agreement, article usage, tense consistency, and sentence structure. While some complex sentences are attempted, they are often inaccurate.

3. Error Analysis:

• Vocabulary Errors:

  • [ages people] -> [ all ages ] : More concise and grammatically correct.
  • [extra food, studying equipment] -> [ food and study materials] : More natural phrasing.
  • [fullfill theses matter] -> [ meet these needs ] : More appropriate vocabulary.
  • [pendanaic] -> [ pandemic ] : Spelling correction.
  • [gardian] -> [ guardian's ] : Spelling and possessive correction.
  • [deposited savings money] -> [ their savings ] : More concise and natural.
  • [study seawrity] -> [ financial security for their studies ] : Clarifies meaning and corrects spelling.
  • [thein] -> [ their ] : Spelling correction.
  • [proparly] -> [ properly ] : Spelling correction.
  • [his goal] -> [ their goals ] : Agreement with plural subject "young people".
  • [tution] -> [ tuition ] : Spelling correction.
  • [Theses] -> [ These ] : Spelling correction.
  • [him financial freedom] -> [ them financial freedom ] : Agreement with plural subject.
  • [stand or established] -> [ start or establish ] : Grammatical correction.
  • [In sum up] -> [ In summary ] : More formal phrasing.
  • [should to grow practice save] -> [ should cultivate the habit of saving ] : More natural and sophisticated phrasing.
  • [him security, independence and achievement his goal] -> [ them security, independence, and the achievement of their goals ] : Grammatical correction and improved phrasing.

• Grammar Errors:

  • [I am strongly agree] -> [ I strongly agree ] : Verb agreement.
  • [Every family don't give] -> [ Not every family gives ] : Correct negation and subject-verb agreement.
  • [It had given their study seawrity] -> [ It provided financial security for their studies ] : Correct tense and phrasing.
  • [Those young people saved thein money, they used money proparly] -> [ Young people who saved their money used it wisely. ] : Improved sentence structure and word choice.
  • [saving money helps young people to achieve his goal] -> [ Saving money helps young people achieve their goals. ] : Subject-verb agreement and more concise phrasing.
  • [Such as tution, part time job etc. Theses saved money gives him financial freedom] -> [ For example, they might earn money through tuition or part-time jobs. These savings provide them with financial freedom. ] : Improved sentence structure, punctuation, and word choice.
  • [It can gives him to care himself on his family] -> [ It enables them to support themselves and their families. ] : Corrected grammar and improved phrasing.
  • [Jobless time he can spend this money for stand or established a business] -> [ If they are unemployed, they can use these savings to start a business. ] : Improved sentence structure and clarity.

4. English Model Essay:

Saving money is crucial for people of all ages, including young adults. I strongly agree that young people should prioritize saving for their future.

Firstly, saving provides financial security. Unexpected expenses, such as the need for additional food or study materials, can arise. While families may not always be able to provide extra financial support, savings can act as a safety net. For example, during the COVID-19 pandemic, many families relied on their savings to maintain financial stability, ensuring their children could continue their education. This demonstrates the crucial role of savings in providing security.

Secondly, saving enables young people to achieve their goals. Higher education is often expensive, and savings can supplement or even replace family support. Young people can earn extra money through part-time jobs or tutoring, contributing to their savings. This financial independence allows them to pursue further education, travel, or other aspirations.

Finally, saving promotes financial independence. Having savings provides a buffer for unexpected events, such as medical expenses or periods of unemployment. This financial security allows young people to manage their lives effectively and potentially start their own businesses.

In summary, young people should cultivate the habit of saving money to secure their financial future. Savings provide security, enable the achievement of goals, and foster independence.