IELTS Essay Sample: Telephone Call Expenditure Trends (Band 5)

How Telephone Call Expenditure Changed in the US (1995-2002)

Overview

This bar chart details how telephone call expenditure in the United States evolved across local-fixed lines, national/international-fixed lines, and mobile calls from 1995 to 2002. The data is presented in minutes (billions). The essay attempts to summarize the data, noting a downward trend in mobile use and an upward trend in local fixed line use. However, the writing suffers from inaccuracies and a lack of clarity.

Key Features

• Inaccurate portrayal of data trends.
• Poor grammar and vocabulary control.
• Lack of clear structure and logical flow.
• Limited range of comparative language.
• Disjointed presentation of information.

Our Review

We found this essay to be significantly flawed. The analysis of the bar chart is inaccurate, and the writing is riddled with grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. The structure is weak, lacking a clear introduction, a concise overview, and well-organized body paragraphs. The vocabulary is limited, hindering the writer's ability to effectively describe the trends in the data. Overall, the essay demonstrates a poor understanding of the task and a limited command of English.

Student Submission

The bar chart illustrates the number of expenditure who used by telephone calls in three different types in the united states throughout the period from 1995 10 2002.

Overall, woking from an overall perspective, it is neadily that mobiles experienced a downward trand, while local-fixed line exhibited upward trend. accross the categories. Despite st. an Despite starting with lower expenditures, local fixed rine surpased the all cours in some categories by the end of period.

In terms of local-fixed line, in 1995 was spent upto 70 minutes considerably higher than national and intermational-fixed line and mobiles(all calls). 10cal fixed line and mobile (all calls) increased ge to rise gradnally in 1995 to 1990 at around go and 18 minutes (billions) respectivly. During the following stages in zooe betwee 2000 to 2002 local fixed line rate revelled of at 18 minutes (billions) to oposide mobiles (all calls) was at 48 minutes (billions). Which was a significant increase, in the nuber of during the period.

Conversely, in 1995 the national and international- fixed rine begin Started at 38 minutes (billions) than which goup at around $2 (minutes. in 1990.Ebentually, i from 2000 to 2002 the national and international-fixed line was at just over 60 minutes, (billions) respectivly. there was etimpan upward trand.by the end of year.

Plz tell me my correct level

IELTS Essay Assessment

1. Topic Analysis:

• Topic Category: Bar chart
• Key Requirements: Describe the trends in telephone call expenditure across three categories (local-fixed line, national/international-fixed line, and mobile) in the US between 1995 and 2002. The description should include key features, comparisons, and an overall summary.
• Coverage Assessment: The essay attempts to address the topic but does so incompletely and inaccurately. Key information is missing, and the description of trends is often unclear and imprecise.
• Time Period: 1995-2002
• Data Type: Numerical (minutes in billions)

2. Structure Analysis:

• Introduction: The introduction is poorly written and contains grammatical errors ("expenditure who used," "neadily"). It does not clearly state the purpose of the chart.
• Overview: The overview is weak. While it mentions an overall upward trend for local fixed lines and a downward trend for mobiles, it lacks precision and doesn't accurately reflect the data. The phrasing is awkward ("woking from an overall perspective, it is neadily that...").
• Body Paragraphs: The body paragraphs lack clear structure and logical flow. Information is presented haphazardly, making it difficult to follow the trends. The paragraphs are excessively long and lack clear topic sentences.
• Logical Flow: The information is presented in a disjointed manner. The essay jumps between categories and time periods without a clear organizational structure.
• Paragraph Division: Paragraphs are poorly divided and lack coherence. Information should be grouped logically to improve readability.

3. Language Usage:

• Vocabulary Range: The vocabulary is limited and contains several errors ("surpased," "revelled of," "etimpan"). The range of comparative language is also limited. There is a lack of precise vocabulary for describing trends (e.g., "gradually increased," "significant increase" are too general).
• Grammar Control: The grammar is weak throughout the essay. There are numerous errors in tense usage, article usage, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure. Examples include incorrect verb forms, incorrect prepositions, and fragmented sentences.

4. Detailed Band Scores:

• Task Achievement: 4/9 The essay attempts to describe the main features, but it fails to do so accurately or comprehensively. Significant details are missing, and the analysis is superficial. The overview is weak.
• Coherence & Cohesion: 3/9 The essay lacks a clear structure and logical flow. The paragraphs are poorly organized, and the connections between sentences and paragraphs are weak. The use of cohesive devices is minimal and ineffective.
• Lexical Resource: 4/9 The vocabulary is limited and contains several errors. The range of vocabulary for describing trends and comparisons is insufficient.
• Grammar: 4/9 The grammar is weak, with numerous errors affecting clarity and accuracy.

Overall Band: 4/9

5. Task 1 Specific Feedback:

• Overview Quality: The overview is present but weak, lacking precision and accuracy.
• Key Feature Coverage: Several key features are omitted or inaccurately described. The essay doesn't fully capture the trends in the data.
• Data Accuracy: The essay contains several inaccuracies in describing the data. Numerical values are sometimes misrepresented.
• Compare/Contrast: Comparisons are attempted but are poorly executed and lack precision.

6. Improvement Suggestions:

• Task Achievement Improvements: Focus on accurately representing the data. Identify and describe all key features and trends. Provide a clear and concise overview.
• Coherence Improvements: Organize the essay logically. Use clear topic sentences and transition words to connect ideas. Improve paragraph structure.
• Vocabulary Improvements: Expand vocabulary range, particularly for describing trends and comparisons. Use more precise language. Proofread carefully to eliminate errors.
• Grammar Improvements: Focus on improving grammar accuracy. Pay attention to tense usage, article usage, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure.

7. Model Essay:

(Due to the length and complexity of creating a full model essay, I will provide a framework and examples of improvements. A complete model essay would be a separate task.)

Framework:

1. Introduction: Clearly state the chart's purpose and content. (e.g., "The bar chart illustrates the expenditure on three types of telephone calls in the United States between 1995 and 2002.")
2. Overview: Summarize the main trends. (e.g., "Overall, expenditure on local fixed-line calls showed a significant increase, while expenditure on mobile calls remained relatively stable before experiencing a substantial rise towards the end of the period. National and international fixed-line calls also exhibited growth.")
3. Body Paragraphs: Dedicate one paragraph to each category, describing the trends in detail with specific data points. Use precise language to describe trends (e.g., "steadily increased," "remained relatively constant," "experienced a sharp decline").
4. Conclusion: (Optional, but can restate the main findings concisely).

Examples of Improvements:

• Instead of: "In 1995 was spent upto 70 minutes..."

• Write: "In 1995, expenditure on local fixed-line calls amounted to 70 billion minutes..."

• Instead of: "local fixed line rate revelled of at 18 minutes"

• Write: "Expenditure on local fixed-line calls leveled off at approximately 18 billion minutes..."

By following this framework and addressing the specific suggestions, the essay can be significantly improved to achieve a higher band score. The corrected version would need to accurately reflect the data presented in the original bar chart (which is not included here).