Why Internet Use Brings People Closer Despite Isolation Concerns
Overview
This essay discusses the debate over whether internet use leads to increased connection or isolation. It summarizes the argument that some believe online interactions make people homebodies, while others argue the internet facilitates convenient and quick communication, bridging distances. The essay aims to support the latter view, suggesting the internet ultimately reduces distance between people, though it acknowledges concerns about isolation.
Key Features
- Addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument.
- Presents a clear, though not strongly supported, opinion.
- Provides examples, such as Muslim families visiting relatives and people using video chats to connect with overseas family.
- Attempts to highlight the convenience and speed of online communication.
- Acknowledges the concern that internet use can lead to isolation.
Our Review
We find that this essay struggles with clarity and coherence. The introduction is weak, and the arguments in the body paragraphs are not well-developed or logically presented. The language used is often informal and contains grammatical errors, which detracts from the overall quality. The conclusion also contradicts the stated position, further weakening the essay. While the essay attempts to address the prompt, it needs significant improvement in structure, argumentation, and language to achieve a higher band score.
Original Topic
An increasing number of people are now using the internet to meet new people and socialize. Some people think this has brought people closer together while others think people are becoming more isolated.
Student Submission
It is thought that most people are now using the internet to connect with new figures and
socialize. A number of individuals think masses are becoming more isolated while latter view is
that individuals are getting closer more and more by using it. I firmly agree with the second notion
that people are getting more touched by using internet.
On the one hand, some citizens think, using internet method to connect with others has made
people into homebodies. A prominent reason to think this is that younger generation often uses
online chat to communicate with others to save time. I do not believe that because multitudes
are more inclined to spend time with friends and relatives rather than virtual touch. Although
sometimes they get stuck in situations, they tend to get physical touch. Usually, they often try to
meet up each other when they are in a staycation or any festivals such as Eid-Ul-Fitr. To illustrates,
every Muslim family visit their relatives to take sweets and spend time together.
In contrast, I broadly assent with the second statement, which refers taking benefits from internet
to close with people. They utilize that key to networking with others as it is convenient way and
take less duration rather than visit each other. It facilitates them to make face to face
communication by video chats in a click without any hesitation. For instance, people cannot visit
their relatives who live in overseas and thus they get involved in video chats through WhatsApp
or any virtual means. Moreover, young people frequently engage with their peers through online
games such as PUBG.
To conclude, mankind are experiencing increased isolation through the usage of internet method
to meet new masses although I believe it is working as a approach to reduce distance among
citizens.
IELTS Essay Assessment
1. Academic Question Analysis:
- Question Type: Opinion
- Academic Requirements: Discuss both views (increased isolation vs. increased connection through internet use) and present a clear opinion supported by relevant examples.
- Argument Position: The essay presents a position but lacks clarity and strong development. The writer states agreement with the idea that the internet brings people closer, but the argumentation is weak and inconsistent.
2. Academic Structure Evaluation:
- Introduction: The introduction is poorly written and lacks a clear thesis statement. It paraphrases the question but doesn't state a clear position.
- Body Paragraphs: The body paragraphs lack a clear structure and logical flow. The arguments are presented in a disjointed manner, switching between points without clear transitions. The examples are weak and underdeveloped.
- Conclusion: The conclusion is weak and contradictory. It summarizes the opposing viewpoint rather than reinforcing the writer's position.
- Academic Cohesion: The essay lacks cohesion. Transitions are poorly used, and the arguments lack a logical sequence.
3. Academic Language Analysis:
- Academic Vocabulary: The vocabulary is limited and often inappropriate for academic writing (e.g., "masses," "figures," "homebodies," "virtual touch"). The language is informal and conversational.
- Academic Grammar: The grammar is inaccurate and contains numerous errors (e.g., subject-verb agreement, tense inconsistencies, incorrect use of articles). Sentence structures are simple and lack complexity.
- Academic Style: The style is informal and lacks the objectivity and formality expected in academic writing.
- Academic Expression: Ideas are expressed vaguely and imprecisely.
4. IELTS Band Scores:
- Task Response: 4/9 The essay addresses the task but fails to adequately develop the argument or provide sufficient supporting evidence. The opinion is unclear and inconsistently supported.
- Coherence & Cohesion: 4/9 The essay lacks a clear structure and logical flow. Transitions are weak, and the arguments are disjointed.
- Lexical Resource: 4/9 The vocabulary is limited, inaccurate, and inappropriate for academic writing. There is a lack of range and precision.
-
Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 4/9 The grammar contains numerous errors, affecting the overall clarity and coherence of the essay. Sentence structures are simple and lack complexity.
Overall Band: 4/9
5. Academic Writing Features Analysis:
- Argument Quality: Weak and underdeveloped. The arguments lack depth and are not logically connected.
- Evidence Usage: Weak and unconvincing. The examples are anecdotal and lack academic rigor.
- Critical Analysis: Minimal. The essay lacks critical analysis of the issue.
- Academic Style: Inappropriate. The essay uses informal language and lacks the objectivity and formality of academic writing.
6. Detailed Improvement Recommendations:
- Task Response Improvements: Develop a clear and well-supported argument. Provide stronger evidence and examples to support your claims. Address both sides of the argument fairly.
- Coherence Improvements: Improve the structure and logical flow of the essay. Use clear topic sentences and transitions to connect ideas.
- Vocabulary Improvements: Use a wider range of academic vocabulary. Avoid informal and conversational language.
- Grammar Improvements: Proofread carefully to correct grammatical errors. Use more complex sentence structures to demonstrate grammatical range.
7. Model Essay:
The proliferation of online social interaction has sparked debate regarding its impact on human connection. While some argue that the internet fosters isolation, I contend that it primarily serves to bridge geographical and social divides, facilitating closer relationships across distances.
The argument for increased isolation stems from the observation that individuals may substitute online interactions for face-to-face engagements. Excessive reliance on social media platforms can lead to a decline in real-world social skills and a sense of detachment from physical communities. For example, studies have shown a correlation between increased social media use and higher rates of anxiety and depression in young adults, suggesting a potential negative impact on mental well-being.
However, this perspective neglects the significant role the internet plays in connecting individuals who would otherwise be geographically isolated. Social media platforms and online communities allow individuals to maintain contact with family and friends across continents, fostering a sense of belonging and shared experience. Furthermore, online platforms facilitate the formation of new relationships based on shared interests, hobbies, or professional goals. Online forums and groups dedicated to specific topics provide opportunities for individuals to connect with like-minded people, regardless of their physical location. For instance, the rise of online gaming communities has created vibrant social networks where individuals collaborate and build relationships.
In conclusion, while concerns regarding the potential for online isolation are valid, the evidence suggests that the internet's primary impact is to facilitate connection and enhance social networks. Its ability to transcend geographical limitations and connect individuals based on shared interests outweighs the potential drawbacks associated with excessive online engagement. Therefore, a balanced approach that promotes responsible online usage is crucial to harnessing the positive aspects of online social interaction while mitigating potential negative consequences.
