Why Hard Work and Determination Outweigh Money and Looks in Achieving Success

Overview

This IELTS essay discusses whether success is primarily due to determination and perseverance or financial support and appearance. The author argues that while financial stability and appearance can provide advantages, hard work and determination are more crucial for long-term success. The essay explores the perceived benefits of wealth and beauty but emphasizes the importance of internal qualities in overcoming challenges and achieving lasting success. The conclusion reiterates the author's belief in the power of hard work and determination.

Key Features

• Discusses two opposing viewpoints on the key factors for achieving success.
• Argues in favor of hard work and determination as the primary drivers of success.
• Provides examples of successful people who overcame adversity.
• Uses psychological concepts to support the argument.
• The essay needs better organization and clearer examples.

Our Review

We find that this essay attempts to address the prompt by presenting arguments for both sides. However, the writing is somewhat disorganized and lacks clarity. The vocabulary, while varied, is sometimes used incorrectly, which impacts the overall coherence. The grammar also contains errors that affect the flow of the essay. To improve, the essay needs a clearer structure with better transitions between ideas, more precise vocabulary, and careful attention to grammatical accuracy. Strengthening the examples and making them more relevant would also enhance the essay's persuasiveness.

Student Submission

Mana, siz yozgan asl matn:

1-qism: There is an ongoing debate over what contributes to the success most with some saying that it is primarily the result of determination and perseverance and other emphasizing the importance of financial support and appearance. Also, financial stability and appearance can offer better opportunities as those who are from privileged backgrounds enjoy superb education, training, and treatment from others. I personally assume that success is mainly built on hard work and determination since the way to success is the difficult one. One belief of people to worship that is dignitary and good-looking peoples are main parts of successful individuals, while internal reserves of wealth can make big opportunities, such as the best education and epic rank. These features can voice some feelings like dominance. In addition to this, rare face structures should be joined with other people. However, uncommon beauty and issues for today are not forever, if said with spite, there are some occasions which are beauty and money do not play a role, especially like art and sports. It means extra beliefs to own beauty and wills are big risks for being successful. So before try your hand at some work, the abilities are checked without cash and good looks, because cash and good looks suddenly might be lost. One solution may sustain success without appealing and money are hard-working, and determination is because of the stability, daily challanges, and durable skills they offer, while enthusiasms which are not dependent on wills and good looks enable people to be stronger and after each failure stand up with true time desire. There are so many popular people in the world, if you watch with drones, less difficult times, but poor lifestyle came up on every famous person, they were not cashed their bank account to study on supreme schools, they had no good looks, but they had been trying to be successful and to the result is shown now, in addition to this, there is one term in psychology which is if people want to absolutely be successful, it automatically enhances training to gain. In conclusion, in the way of success, hard-working and determination are more reliable than money and good looks, in my perspective, each attempt, grounded on hard work and strong desire, offer great and historical triumh.

IELTS Essay Assessment

1. IELTS Writing Score: 5/9 ■■■■■□□□□

2. Score Breakdown:

• Task Achievement: 5/9 - The essay addresses the task, presenting both sides of the argument. However, the argumentation is somewhat disorganized and lacks depth. The conclusion is present but doesn't effectively summarise the main points. The examples provided are not fully developed or convincing.

• Coherence and Cohesion: 4/9 - The essay lacks a clear structure. Paragraphs are inconsistently linked, and the flow of ideas is often disrupted. There is overuse of conjunctions like "and" and "in addition to this," leading to a repetitive and somewhat disjointed feel. The essay jumps between ideas without smooth transitions.

• Lexical Resource: 5/9 - The essay demonstrates a range of vocabulary, but there are instances of inappropriate word choice (e.g., "worship that is dignitary," "epic rank"). Some vocabulary is used imprecisely, leading to ambiguity. There is some repetition of vocabulary.

• Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5/9 - The essay contains grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues, tense inconsistencies, and incorrect use of articles. Sentence structures are often complex and unwieldy, hindering clarity. While some complex structures are attempted, they are not always accurate or effective.

  3. Error Analysis:

• Vocabulary Errors:

  • [dignitary] -> [ dignified ] : "Dignitary" refers to a person of high rank. "Dignified" means having or showing dignity.
  • [epic rank] -> [ high position/status ] : "Epic rank" is not standard English.
  • [cashed their bank account] -> [ spent their savings ] : More natural and idiomatic phrasing.
  • [with drones] -> [ from afar/observing carefully ] : The original phrase is nonsensical in this context.

• Grammar Errors:

  • [One belief of people to worship that is dignitary...] -> [ Some people believe that dignified and good-looking people... ] : Improper sentence structure and word choice.
  • [issues for today are not forever, if said with spite,...] -> [ While current issues of beauty are not permanent,... ] : Awkward phrasing and unclear meaning.
  • [One solution may sustain success without appealing and money are hard-working,...] -> [ One way to achieve lasting success without relying on attractiveness or money is through hard work and determination... ] : Grammatically incorrect and unclear sentence structure.
  • [they had been trying to be successful and to the result is shown now,...] -> [ ...and the result is evident now, ] : Improper use of "to" and awkward phrasing.

  4. English Model Essay:

The question of what contributes most to success is a complex one, with some arguing that determination and perseverance are paramount, while others highlight the importance of financial resources and advantageous appearances. While financial stability and a pleasing appearance undoubtedly offer certain advantages, such as access to better education and opportunities, I believe that hard work and determination are ultimately the most significant factors in achieving success.

Those from privileged backgrounds may enjoy a smoother path, benefiting from superior education and social connections. However, these advantages do not guarantee success. Many examples exist of individuals who, despite lacking financial resources or striking looks, have achieved remarkable success through sheer grit and perseverance. Their dedication and resilience have allowed them to overcome obstacles and achieve their goals. Furthermore, beauty and wealth are inherently transient; they can be lost, while skills and determination endure.

Conversely, relying solely on external factors like appearance or financial backing is a risky strategy. While these may provide initial advantages, they are not sustainable in the long term. True success requires the cultivation of skills, the development of resilience, and a persistent pursuit of goals. The ability to overcome challenges, learn from setbacks, and maintain unwavering dedication is far more reliable than fleeting advantages.

In conclusion, while financial resources and appearance can be beneficial, they are not the primary drivers of success. Hard work, determination, and resilience are far more crucial in achieving lasting and meaningful achievements. The pursuit of success should be grounded in a commitment to personal growth and a willingness to overcome adversity.